Sick

I'm sick.


Hacking cough, mack truck slammed up against my head, loopy thinking, hours of sleeping--sick.


Hidden away in my room, pajamas and covers, sleep and t.v., sleep and t.v., and all I can think is what am I missing? What should I be doing?  Life passing by, nothing happening, sleep and t.v., sleep ad t.v.


Her words last week echo in my mind, "Sand between your toes." Truth offered in the space. The heart space I ignore, the heart space I dread.  She is speaking of Jesus' invitation to me to slow down and come away with Him.  Offering life words of hope and peace, that I am not alone in the desert heritage where Christ asks his Beloved to pull away with Him.  


And a week later, I am sick.  Sickness reveals, I still think it's up to me, making it all happen.  My impatience stealing, sucking the life.  Yet the hacking cough, the need for rest and comfort reveal a new way, a new nature being beckoned forth, the way of dependence.  


Trusting, waiting, being, ALL IS WELL.


"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest."


Rest.


Resting in His Being.


Resting in His Life.


Resting in His ways.


I slip on the covers, grab my Halls, and turn off the computer.


Time to rest.

I wonder?

Starry Night (interactive animation) from Petros Vrellis on Vimeo.


I wonder if this is a bit of what Adam and Eve shared in with God...and I wonder if we will do the same one day?

Language Class

Her eager, sweet demeanor is the first thing to great us at the airport terminal. 


"Hola Marta. Welcome." How meek I feel speaking this simple greeting to our foreign exchange student, hoping she'll feel welcomed into our town, our home, our lives.


"Hi. Thank you for coming to get me." She speaks in her fragmented spanglish tongue.


"We are happy to have you!"


I already admire Marta's courage to travel thousands of miles, into a foreign land, a vision carrying her: learn a new language, experience a new culture, and encounter a new place, different from home.  To get to this point she had to be open, willing to leave her comfort zone, and trust the process to bring her to this place. With that same determination, she must daily confront the wobbly disposition of being a foreigner in a new land.  Constantly humbling herself as a  learner literally moment by moment, sentence by sentence, new experience upon new experience.  


But despite the uncertainty and insecurity that must come she steps....one step, two steps. She speaks...one word, two words, a sentence upon another sentence. At at each bend, movement happens.  She buys groceries on her own, purchases a new phone, makes it home from downtown, all the while learning a way of life and trusting she's learning. 


Little by little.


Step-by-step.


Moment-by-moment.


Day-by-day.


I am Marta.


Staring wide eyed and overwhelmed at this new life, new tongue, new way of being.  I remember my old way, my words, my comfortable life.  Now, how daunting it feels at times to face a new way in a new heart tongue I barely understand?


A foreigner stepping into a new land.  


Learning a new Kingdom.


Studying a new language...the language of the Spirit.


Being taught by the Master Instructor and the unique course He's prepared for me.


Each day requires courage in the face of the many fears that try to keep me from walking.  


Doubt. Nothings really changing. 
Pride. Seriously, I have to learn that again? 
Fear.  Go back, you know that terrain.


Old companions die hard.  


But I choose to face the day and recommit myself to the new course. Believing that the One who invited me to join, the One who helped me take my first steps into the land, will be the One who teaches me this new way of l i f e...


A foreigner in this world, 


A citizen of His K i n g d o m,


An ambassador of His L o v e, 


A bearer of His H o p e.


2 Corinthians 5:20
We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.


Ephesians 2:19
Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household,


Philippians 3:20
But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,

Dancing Lights

i sit at the bench. warm air caressing me and sunlight radiating my face.  this is a familiar space, a bench i've gone to a handful of times on those days where the beach beckons me.


i sit with hope, sorrow, confusion, angst, desire, questions....my normal companions.  as i nestle into the wood frame, only myself and the solitude and silence that sit down as well, i wiggle.  loneliness reminds me life is not as it should be and i was created for more. temptation challenges me to go and do something to make it go away.


i sit, squirmy.


the sun beaming down over me and the lovely breeze rushing by invite me to settle in.


sit for a while.


the vast pacific reminding me of beauty, art, design, forethought, creativity, pleasure...all for us.


invited in to beauty.  painted sky and rushing waves...in and out, in and out the ocean's dance flows in her rhythm.


a runner scurries by.


two friends chatter and her dog barks.


the man caresses his pregnant wife's hair.


another lays out his lawn chair.


the waves come, and the brezze wooshes by, and the sun beams his brilliant light.


and i see.


i hear.


i taste the life.


a light show before me.  unexpected fireworks and sparkly delights.


the people drown out, the vast beauty of creation narrows, and all i can focus in on is the dancing wonders.


flicker, flicker.  jumping from here to there.  in and out, in and out with the waves current.


my sparkly wonders.


the sun's sparkly wonders.


i can't take my eyes away, zeroed in on the playful dance before me.


the sun shines bright and the reflection joyously flutters about.


celestial glitter.  flickers of wonder. reflections of the sun.


i feel like someone sneaking in on a party, longingly wanting to play too.


my heart tugs and i see.


i have been invited.  the kingdom dance is happening all around me.  i get to play.  i am not alone.  each flickering light comes and goes, shines and goes away again, each resplendent capturing a different angle of the sun.


i cannot NOT see now, light all around me.  enveloped by the sun.  sharing in the flickering lights.


come and play.




That's what baptism into the life of Jesus means. When we are lowered into the water, it is like the burial of Jesus; when we are raised up out of the water, it is like the resurrection of Jesus. Each of us is raised into a light-filled world by ourFather so that we can see where we're going in our new grace-sovereign country.
Romans 6:2-4 


So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.
James 1:15-17

Come, sit for a while...

Every Tuesday it's become a rhythm for my week (doesn't that sound nice rhythm...perhaps a frenzied circus would be more accurate as of late) to walk up Higuera Street to visit my favorite local coffee shop Kreuzberg and write. Each week as I make my way over I walk by a furniture store window and this chair beckons me.  

Look at it!  Doesn't it say slow down, stop, come have a seat, and rest for a while.


The curves of the wicker, the face to face design, the cup holders...everything about this chair draws me and yet terrifies me.


How I long to be invited in, asked to sit, rest, and share.  To be met by interest, intrigue, insight, and most of all love.  Yet the very thing that beckons me leaves me tempted to walk on by and move on to the next thing, the goal of the day, the efficiency of getting 'it' done.  While that may be what distracts me, what really prevails underneath is fear....do you really want me, just me? uh, what if you get bored or disinterested? the silence, what about the silence? what do I do with those moments? worse, what comes up inside when there are no words.


Yet there is something about this chair, this well constructed chair, that says You were meant for me.  I designed it this way for you.  Can you see I AM what your heart craves?


I peer through the window front, much like my fictional friend Lucy from The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe, curious, a little scared, but hoping there's magic behind it.  Something greater than myself beckoning me out and inviting me into a great adventure.  But this adventure begins first and foremost with entering and re-forming the inner life, my heart.  To know and be known, love and be loved, serve and be served.


I hear His life words, Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.  I make you lie down in green pastures, lead you beside quiet waters...I restore your soul.  I will never leave you, never-ever forsake you.


With His quiet words, I feel my resistance rise up, but it must come, this too part of the invitation...but you are in these other things too, they are good things you gave me.  Finally the things we've talked about for years are actually happening...are you sure now is time to pull away...


I peer in at the chair.  So safe, so inviting, but I've never sat so close, so locked in the gaze of another. The cost so clear, the way prepared...


Honored but conflicted.  


Longing but afraid.


I continue to stare, looking in on that chair.

Being Me (mmm...and figuring out who that is?)

Sometimes I wish I had a blog that was about clothes, decorating, travel.  


I don't.


I have tried to incorporate them. I even tried starting a whole new separate blog on decorating.


But you know what? I simply can't do it all. It's unrealistic.  


I have a job. I have soul care clients. I am trying to revise a book manuscript. I have friends. I have a family.


Truthfully, I often try living in the unrealistic.  I demand too much of myself (over assessment of self).  Which equals trying to fit too much in (lack of margin).  Which leads to rushing and not being present to L O V E, the giving and receiving.  


And you know what, I think we all are on this journey of becoming and realizing who we are and who we are not.  What we have room to give and what we do not.  Where we should spend our time and where we shouldn't.  What we can give and what we cannot.  But like I said, it's a journey.  One filled with valleys, peaks, wrong turns, and turnabouts.  Times of spinning our wheels and times of taking back ground.


J O U R N E Y.


And there is grace for that journey though I am the first one to squeeze it out and self-righteously declare, "I should have known." Quick to get to work on me and forego leaning into His grace and the necessity of dependence and the humility it requires.


T H A N K F U L for new life, we have permission to be L E A R N E R S, students of this new life in Christ. To enjoy the liberty of having NOT arrived (nor fooling ourselves that we have or demanding others should have).  The kingdom life turns it all upside down. And while my flesh rallies against it, my spirit breathes a sigh of relief and basques in it's warmth.


And so, I am learning to be me.  To offer who I am and what I bring. Not you. Not what you are asked to bring.  And that takes time, wrong turns, trying to be someone else and learning to come back to me...rather, the unique way Jesus dwells in me.


Join me this year in asking Jesus, "How can I let you more freely flow through me? Where do I need to create more margin and space to do that?  What will I have to say NO to in order to say YES somewhere else?"


While it may require letting go of things you've wanted to be or tried to uncomfortably fit in to be, press in with me T R U S T I N G our inheritance awaits, the territory each of us is given to take will unfold, and we will encounter more than we could ask for or imagine.


Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. ~Ephesians 3: 20-21

Advent Week IV: Peace

For all of us, the story behind these days can draw us in, and invite us to bring our lives to the mystery of how Jesus came into this world and why.  Our best preparation for the Holy Night ahead and the Joyful Morning to follow is for us to reflect upon how he came.  He came in the midst of scandal and conflict.  He came in poverty.  He was rejected before he was born.  He was born in a feed trough.  He was hunted down.  And he grew up in obscurity.

He did not shun our world and its poverty and conflict.  He embraced it.  And he desires to embrace us today, in this day.  Right where we are.  Right where we are feeling most distant.  Right were we are feeling least “religious” or “ready.”  If we let him come into our hearts to be our Savior these challenging days, we will find ourselves entering the sacred night and morning of Christmas “joyful and triumphant” as never before.

Come, Lord Jesus.  Come and visit your people. 
We await your coming.  Come, O Lord.

(reflection found here)

Lord you know my poverty of spirit. You know the lowliest, dung filled, restless parts of me.  Yet you come....you live...you dwell.  

You ask me to b e l i e v e. To trust your good heart and intentions.  This time of year is filled with great reflection: what was, what could have been, disappointments, hope deferred, graces given, unexpected gifts.  That you come, into the messiness of it all and offer p e a c e  a m a z e s.

Lord this morning you spoke through your Word about Zachariah and Elizabeth.  How they had waited and hoped for a child.  You said they were faithful and you gave them a promise.  I stare up at the art piece I did so many years ago about that promise...in the tender, angst filled place of singleness and unrequited love you had me paint.  


Stroke by stroke, layer upon layer... 


B E L I E V E.  


To believe in your kindness, goodness, and faithfulness in spite of my circumstance. 

And I guess that's the thing about faith and hope Lord, especially this time of year, regardless of the IS of my life you ask me to believe in your unfailing goodness, in your fullness of time, in the things I do not see, and 
T R U S T.  Child or no child. Husband or no husband.  Money or no money.  You came to dwell, you came to give your life, you came to reveal the kingdom now, you came that I might have life, in spite of the world, my flesh, the enemy...IMMANUEL GOD WITH US!

So come dear Jesus, in the tender, uncertain places and crevasses of my heart and L I V E.  Offer your P E A C E.  

It is only in you that I can enter that P E A CE within.